i am depressed yet again. today's christine's 'sweet' seventeenth surprise party. why did i have to organise it? i m just a busybody. look at me. all my game ideas are like shit. they were totally bored out by it. HAHA. even if i disappeared from the party, i guess they wouldn't have realised. i regretted having this party today. now i lost all the confidence in planning for my own party. I wished my singapore friends were beside me. I never seem to feel so insignificant before. I never once had to feel that my existence actually didn't really matter. How silly was I to think that I made an impact on the lives of my friends here. I just realised that I'm nothing. I'm nothing at all. I really feel so much like a donut girl now. Many friends seems to be surrounding my empty heart. In my life, I wonder how many true friends I really have. Seems like whenever I am depressed or even just troubled, it is the s'pore friends that I think of. HazLL. U're rite. there's no point in being so nice to others becos they start to take it for granted. They are starting to think that everything that I do is nothing and that I've to do them. why am i always the one sacrificing? why does no one actually treasure what i do? am i just being silly or what? I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow. i feel so ashamed to see them, or even i don't know how to face them. I don't know how to face a bunch of people without sense of gratitude. fine, I am the mean one. i don't really care.

God, this day I pray, that you would be with me. Lord I pray that u would light up my paths with friends, friends that I can sincerely look thru and lean on. Whenever I need a shoulder to cry on, I only get the bed. Whenever I need a friend to be with me thru my depressed moment, I find that I'm always alone. So Lord, I pray that you would grant me patience and love and learn to be more and more like your son, Jesus.

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